music4mog ([info]music4mog) wrote in [info]booju_mooju,
2010-03-02 19:47:00
Hey I am new to this post and I wanted your opinion on this.
 
I have recently turned 20 and as a gift from my boyfriend he is taking me to a six flags out of town. So it will be an overnight trip. My parents believe that I shouldn't go because I shouldn't be sharing a room with a male that isn't my husband. I have decided that I am going, but my parents are mad and lately have hardly spoken to me. And I still live with them.  My parents are old fashioned and very conservative. I am not, I do have some conservative values but at the same time I am like the other people my age. How can I get my parents to understand that I am growing up and that I need to be able to do things on my own? 

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. Ever since we became a couple I know that my mom has not liked it. She has never liked me having a boyfriend. (When I was 15 she said I could have a boyfriend but I couldn't date?) I feel like they still treat me like I am 15. I will be finished with college in 2011 (hopefully) and I hope to get a job a move out on my own (like everyone else). As a parent what are your views about this? How would you treat this situation? 

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    switch

    Your IP address will be recorded 

     
    Help
  • 35 comments

[info]xexcxox

March 3 2010, 03:52:08 UTC 2 years ago

Uhm.

Well.

You are adult and hopefully you're capable of making adult decisions...

[info]breakableheart

March 3 2010, 03:54:43 UTC 2 years ago

Use birth control and disease protection.

Is this community being advertized in teen/YA communities or something?

[info]music4mog

March 3 2010, 03:58:50 UTC 2 years ago

maybe I should have said this in my post, I do use protection. I don't plan to have children until after college. Way after college. I found this community on the livejournal spotlight. Do you know of any other communities that are better suited?

[info]srs_breakfast

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]syanorra

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]ayanamisama

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]mkiero

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]missmoses

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]breakableheart

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]ayanamisama

March 3 2010, 04:07:27 UTC 2 years ago

Um, you're an adult. Do what you want to do. Just don't be surprised if your parents don't like it because you're still living with them.

[info]vixenesque93

March 3 2010, 04:07:48 UTC 2 years ago

If they're paying for your college education...get a room with two beds?

[info]syanorra

March 3 2010, 04:13:48 UTC 2 years ago

I'm kind of a firm believer in the whole "my house, my rules" kinda thing. I'm assuming they're supporting you in some fashion, correct me if I am wrong ... so they're kind of entitled to their opinions.

If you're going to go against them, just deal with it. You seem determined to do it anyways, so ... yeah, just deal with them if it's worth it to you.

[info]jewe1z

March 3 2010, 04:15:20 UTC 2 years ago

Obviously they just care about you and want to make sure you're safe while you're still their responsibility. You would think by college they might look at you as able to make your own decisions, but I went through that same BS with my parents around the same age. I couldn't get past the "when you're under my roof" thing. I moved out asap.

I don't think I'll be the same way with my kids as I'm not very conservative. But I'm approaching the teens with my oldest now so who knows. The first time a boy even looks at her funny I might snap and put her in a convent! I guess we'll see!

[info]thismakebelieve

March 3 2010, 04:29:41 UTC 2 years ago

Just lie. What they don't know won't kill them. You are 20 for crying out loud.

(kidding... or am I...)

[info]blenderx

March 3 2010, 05:44:46 UTC 2 years ago

As you are still living with and dependent upon your parents, you should respect their authority and sleep in separate rooms.

[info]alacrity_danger

March 3 2010, 06:21:02 UTC 2 years ago

If you don't want your parent to boss you around, you need to support yourself.

[info]technerd4810

March 3 2010, 07:37:56 UTC 2 years ago

im not a parent or married yet. im engaged so just to get that out of the way. alot of parents have trouble letting there kids grow up. I live with my grandparents so imagine the generation gap there. like you im not as conservative as the the perentals but I also understand there side when they say something. just think it through before you do any thing because it can be a pain in the a** living with people that will not talk to you. but as several have said you are an adult and you can make your own desisions but at the same time you need to realize how it will affect things. im not saying its a good ideea or a bad idea just waigh every thing out

[info]elizabethann40

March 3 2010, 13:39:00 UTC 2 years ago

In my first year of college (lived away at school, but parents were paying for most of my expenses), I wanted to go to San Diego with my boyfriend and stay with his aunt.

Mom and Dad said pretty much what your parents said.

I said, "Well, you have the right to tell me what to do, because I am taking your money. So I'm going to quit taking your money."

I was already working, so I just ramped up my hours and finished school on my own. It took me eight years, but it was the best moment of my life. They respected that decision, too, and that was the last time they ever tried to comment about anything I was doing, unless I asked for their opinion.

Best thing I ever did in my life. Or at least, the first best thing I ever did.

[info]lustychan

March 3 2010, 14:05:21 UTC 2 years ago

There probably isn't much you can do to make them realize how much of an adult you are. They will probably see you as their little girl for a very long time, until something happens that makes them realize, oh wait, you ARE an adult woman! I know that totally doesn't help your situation, but...

As someone else said, I would personally just stop taking their money and then do as I wished. I would try to be diplomatic about things, but also let them know that you ARE a young woman now and they need to respect and trust you.

Ha ha, of course, my fiance and I decided to start a family while we were staying with my parents so... maybe my advice isn't the soundest :p They didn't really start treating me like an adult until my first baby was born. Then they were like, "Oh! Look! She's a really good mother! Oh, a MOTHER! She's grown up! :O". There are still times when my mother says something here and there that treats me like I don't run my own household and take care of two children. But I know that's just a mom thing.

[info]paidmydebts

March 3 2010, 15:34:35 UTC 2 years ago

I lived with my parents until well into my mid-twenties due to the economy where I live (and getting a humanities degree) so I know this argument well. I understand both sides of this to be perfectly honest and I think the only way to really deal with it is clear, open communication between you and your parents.

Your parents will always see you as their little girl. Period. I'm 27, about to have a baby with my husband and my parents still see me this way. All you can really do is to talk to them honestly and let them know that you can be trusted to make your own decisions AND take responsibility for the consequences of them.

You had mentioned in an earlier comment that you don't use protection. I am personally vehemently against this for reasons due to disease and pregnancy but you've made that decision, so you need to be prepared for any consequences from that decision.

One of the ways that I showed my parents that I was trustworthy was by getting a job as soon as possible after I got out of college. It was a crap job, but it paid. I bought a car and made all the payments myself. In fact, I paid all of my own bills and would not accept any additional money from my parents. If you show initiative and independence, they're more likely to trust you.

Oh well, that rambled on for much longer than I expected. Apologies.

[info]bunnymcfoo

March 3 2010, 17:14:17 UTC 2 years ago

you misread - she said that she DOES use protection.

[info]paidmydebts

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]bunnymcfoo

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]nacho_cheese

March 3 2010, 17:53:26 UTC 2 years ago

My parents have said the thing. However, at the time, I was 21, moved out of the house three years prior, and was otherwise supporting myself. So... if I were at my parents' house (even if I was visiting), their rules would be respected. And their rule re: this is, no sleeping in the same bed until you're married (or engaged -- they've loosened this one since FH proposed last August).

Growing up and doing things on your own means doing so with little or no help from the parents. I assume yours are taking care of where you live, your food, your clothing (at least, to some extent), and so forth. Basically, you haven't grown up yet, and you're not quite ready do to things on your own... especially not with a guy.

Of course, that's just my opinion, and it seems that you're going to do it, anyway. So... well, be prepared for the backlash! FH and I moved in together before getting engaged, and for about two years, they didn't talk to me. And I had ALREADY MOVED OUT.

[info]jadesymb

March 3 2010, 19:24:39 UTC 2 years ago Edited:  March 3 2010, 19:25:59 UTC

I think that a 20 year old should move out and get a job and support themselves while going to college full time. Take responsibility for your life, but while you live under their roof, their rules.

[info]uberliz

March 3 2010, 20:45:06 UTC 2 years ago

If you live in their house; you should probably do what makes them happy so you're not out on your ass.

If you live on your own, 100% independently; ignore them and do as you wish. That's part of being an adult.

[info]medea34

March 4 2010, 03:38:36 UTC 2 years ago

i have seen alot of 'their house - their rules' and practicality comes first - if you don't toe the line what is the outcome for you. is it worth it? how vengeful will your parents be if you disregard their values in this respect.

it really bothers me that parents will use their power to force their beliefs on their child. your parents are witholding affection because you do not share their belief in premarital abstinence. its gross. perverse. how can they put their old fashion, conservative notions ahead of the well being of their child.

i have more than one queer friend who spent their teens on the street turning tricks to feed, house and put themselves through school because they could not abide by old fashion, conservative values. what kind of parent lets that happen. it boggles the mind.

[info]myxo17

March 5 2010, 03:06:03 UTC 2 years ago

Because when babies are born and their parents are not mature, it falls on the grandparents to pick up the slack. Also, if they don't speak, they can't yell at you. I LOVE silence!

(And I would personally throw a party if I had a gay son, but that's just me -almost all of my friends are gay guys and they are really awesome people.)

[info]eymundi

2 years ago

  • Loading...

[info]anglerfish07

March 4 2010, 08:33:53 UTC 2 years ago

I agree with medea. Your parents may be entitled to their views. But you are entitled to your opinions too. You're an adult, so you have the right to make your own decisions. You're twenty, not thirteen. Your parents need to accept that you're grown up. Their forcing their conservative values onto you re: having sex seems out of control.

"Their house, their rules" is not always just or ethical. I have come across gay children kicked out of their homes by their parents, because their parents hate gay people. There are children out there who are physically abused, insulted, threatened by their parents constantly. These parents have no right to mistreat their children because of the "my house, my rules" mindset (I'm not saying your parents are like this. I just want to point out "my house, my rules" idea isn't always ethical). And there are youths who would find it extremely hard to get a job and move out because they are disabled, or they have little qualifications/education (or other reasons, like family violence, poverty, living in areas with poor access to transport, living in a place with high unemployment rates).

However, as medea said - you need to decide whether going against your parents is worth the risk (how badly will they treat you if you disobey them?). Best of luck!

[info]donkeymoo

March 4 2010, 12:14:13 UTC 2 years ago

i was in a similar situation when i turned 20. my boyfriend and i decided to suddenly move out (i had never moved out before, i was a very young 20 and an only child with protective parents). my mum balked but eventually realised i was going to do it anyway, and my dad made a point of not talking to me for awhile, and never helped me move or set foot in the house we moved into. he made a concerted effort to dislike my boyfriend at all costs. after 6 months, i crawled back home (we were so entirely broke) for another year living with my parents, having vaguely learnt my lesson, which was "save more money first".

i realise how shocking it must have been for them at the time, but that boyfriend is now my husband and the father of my son, so my dad has completely forgotten about it. seriously. so i guess my question to you would be "how serious is he? and will he be worth the short-term family awkwardness in the long run?"

[info]exrivera86

March 4 2010, 18:20:40 UTC 2 years ago

My two cents: your parents obviously understand that you're an adult (hence them not speaking to you, rather than trying to force you not to go), but can't accep that they're "baby" is all grown up and *gasp* having sex. I won't rag on you for not supporting yourself, because we all know how impossible the economy has made that in some parts of the country, but I do agree that starting to make that transition would help them get used to the idea that you can now make your own decisions.

I don't agree with "my house my rules" on this one, because you're not even talking about doing anything under their roof. If you wanted your boyfriend to spend the night, it would be a different story.

You're 20, so as long as you're being safe, there's no reason you shouldn't be taking an overnight trip with your long-time boyfriend. Your parents can either choose to accept this or not--the most you can do is tell them, in a calm, adult way, what your choice is and go through with it.

[info]myxo17

March 5 2010, 03:13:03 UTC 2 years ago

My mom says she doesn't care if she is paying just the last $5 on my rent, as long as I'm using her money/space/belongings, she owns my soul (and damn, I gotta ask for money tomorrow...).

But I broke free. And my dad still gripes about my b/f coming to visit me in MY HOUSE (from the Navy... every 6 months!). He's never set foot in theirs, but eh, what can you do? We go to his parents and they let us sleep in the same bed no problem.

In order to let them understand you're growing up, you have to GROW UP. And believe me, you DON'T WANT THAT. Do you know how much internet costs? Paying for your own gas? If your b/f loves you, 1) he can wait, and 2) he can take you to a Six Flags closer by so you don't have to spend the night.

[info]pkbitchgirl

March 5 2010, 22:59:53 UTC 2 years ago

You're a legal adult, end of

[info]medea34

March 26 2010, 12:56:45 UTC 2 years ago

i identify as queer, rather than gay (which is oft interpreted as a strictly homosexual orientation and my sexual identity is a titch more fluid) - but you are right, words mattter and gay is more socially acceptable (or you can be totally PC and use the more inclusive acronym LGBT).
Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Facebook Twitter More login options
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…